What does it mean to be human? A Note on Creativity

I recently watched a music video for a song that I really like. The artists behind the song prompted other creatives with a pretty fascinating question:

“What does it mean to be human?”

This question is of particular interest to me for a couple reasons. I obsess over fulfillment in life. I have a near-unhealthy obsession with ensuring that I live a life of value, of fulfillment, and of decency. I probably spend so much time worrying about this that I actively prevent myself from pursuing the actual interests and activities that would provide me with fulfillment. The idea of being human is a question that has preoccupied thinkers since the dawn of time. There's a reason why so many people know the names of philosophers over the centuries.

Speaking for myself, what makes me feel most human is exercising creativity. There are many different avenues to do this. Writing, producing music, drawing, painting, filmmaking, photography are all traditionally creative pursuits. Creativity, at least in my opinion, is bigger than that though. 

I believe a better way to look at creativity is to look at it as more of a way of thinking. I never viewed myself as a creative growing up. I viewed it that you were either creative or not. I had friends that were naturally talented at drawing or at playing instruments. Since I wasn't "naturally talented," I didn't think I could do it. I thought I was "naturally" better at school, so I pursued school. I viewed it as either-or, and that people that that were good at school and art were savants, people that I could never catch up to. This type of thinking hindered me for quite some time. Strangely enough, it became a form of self-loathing.

A better phrasing would probably be that it reinforced my self-loathing. It seems dramatic to say that not believing I was creative would be a form of self-loathing, but that's why I have an issue with deeming "traditionally" creative pursuits as the only creative pursuits. For so long, I've struggled with believing my writing was a "real" form of creativity. I still struggle believing my writing is good or creative. 

I often say that a chemistry degree is more valuable for the way of thinking it teaches rather than the concrete material you learn. While I wish I had studied other topics in school and pursued other hobbies, I believe that my chemistry degree has provided me with a way of looking at the world in a specific way. Since breaking out of the mindset that my future was already decided and giving myself the chance to believe I can be creative, I have expanded what I believe I am capable of doing. 

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday about writing. He asked me how I got into writing. To me, writing is definitely a weird creative endeavor. With writing, you're doing it all the time. You're writing when you talk with others, even though it's a different form of communication. You're writing when you text or use social media. I am so deeply in love with writing because I believe, at its core, writing is the study of humans and humanity. I love life and humans so dearly, so it only makes sense that my preferred method of creating would be writing.

His question was a fair one. If I was talking with somebody who made music, I would ask how they got into it. I can't remember when I fell in love with writing. I don't really remember loving writing in school, and I don't recall a teacher ever seeking me out and telling me that my writing stood out to them. I started writing as a form of catharsis. It all started as a way for me to put my emotions to words, for myself. It has expanded over the years. 

Something I've learned about myself is how badly I want to help others find what I've found through writing: the intense joy I get, the flow state of mind, the ephemeral feeling that nothing else matters and the future is mine for the taking. I want others to feel that too. 

I believe that what it means to be human is to create. What differentiates humans from other animals is our collective culture. Culture is the product of all humans undertaking this gift of life with one another. Humans can be deviant creatures capable of devastating wars, but we're also capable of creating beautiful music, breathtaking art, or curing diseases. The act of creating is, in and of itself, simultaneously the act of being human and of transcending our humanity. I believe any and all people are capable of being creatives. It's certainly true that some people are naturally better at creating; some people are better at drawing because they inherently understand light and perspective better, some people are better at science because they inherently understand mathematics better. 

I encourage you to take some time to try something you've always wanted to try but never had the confidence to try. Sometimes we have to overcome our barriers to become who we want to be. If you need a supporter or a friend, reach out to me. I'd be happy to provide support. 

The other day, I took the leap and created a Facebook page for my blog. I was very hesitant to because I worried it would be perceived as arrogant. I hoped it wouldn't be and people would understand the fact that I have to market myself if I want to continue expanding my platform. In a couple of days, the page received over 100 likes. That response is the most concrete example I have that people believe in me as a writer. I was so overwhelmed with that and overcome with hope. It has made me excited for the future for the first time in a long time. I also submitted my first writing pitch ever to a site I really like. This week has helped take the sting out of losing my sister a bit. 

If I can help support anybody to find that love and passion, I'd be thrilled. If you're interested in talking, please feel free to reach out to me in any way and I'm here.

TL

How To Live

I just finished the biography of famed 16th century writer Michel de Montaigne. The biography, titled How to Live, or a life of Montaigne in one question and twenty attempts at an answer, written by Sarah Bakewell, was one of my favorite books I've ever read, though that's probably partly due to the timing of which I've read it. 

I added this book to my list before Alyssa died, but I chose to read it a couple months after she passed. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I spend a lot of time trying to find fulfillment from life; I obsess over what the meaning of life is and how to live a good life. The title How to Live obviously attracted my attention. But before reading this book, I had only heard of this writer once before, when reading The Bright Hour a couple of months ago. When I started to read How to Live, I actually hadn't made the connection that Nina Riggs (the author of The Bright Hour) was referring to this writer, whose biography I randomly started reading. 

But Sarah Bakewell talks about how that seems to be an underlying characteristic of Montaigne's readers; we all stumble upon him at a time when it seems like we need it most. Maybe that's because no matter when or who reads Montaigne, it's possible to get something from his writings. To me, it doesn't matter. The best books should always resonate with you, no matter the external circumstances of your life. The best writers should be able to make you feel something, no matter if you're in the best or worst shape of life.

Montaigne, to his own credit, is the writer who essentially pioneered stream-of-consciousness writing. Once I learned this, I immediately felt comforted. Something I've struggled with in finding my identity as a writer is that I feel like my best pieces are not heavily researched, prepared, and manicured, but rather written in a moment of what feels like almost mania, where it feels like the product of countless and often fruitless hours contemplating my life that result in writings that could not have been conceived otherwise; in other words, stream-of-consciousness.

Montaigne didn't seek out to be some grand philosopher. He didn't 'philosophize,' but he did study and read, think, and write. He wrote about what was on his mind and how it made him feel, and he realized it was possible to change. He recognized his essays he had written earlier in his career were essentially written by another person, a person he no longer was. Instead of feeling shame at his past thoughts, he embraced the change and wisdom that comes with growing older in life. I admire this quirk about him. When I write, I am shedding a layer of who I am and putting it out there at risk of it potentially hurting me in the future, but I believe that part of being human and becoming a better person requires developing the ability to showcase who we are, even knowing that we may not always be received how we would like to be received.

“Life should be an aim unto itself, a purpose unto itself.”
— Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

This is a quote from his last essay, and Bakewell reserves it for the very end of the book. Montaigne struggled with chronic kidney stones throughout his adult life, so he was familiar with pain and suffering. As I finished the book earlier today, reading this quote sent chills down my spine. 

For as long as I can remember, I have lived my life as if my future was already molded; as if my destiny has already resolved itself. The strange thing is that runs contrary to the lessons I've learned over the last five years and, really, throughout my entire life. I think I'm a pretty flexible person, somebody that is capable of rolling with the punches and embracing life as it comes, yet I convince myself that other 24-year-olds are living life better than I am, or they are more fulfilled than I am, or whatever it may be. 

Whenever I get sad about Alyssa, I feel like I'm not supposed to be happy. I feel like I'm supposed to be grieving her or I should always be sad, even when I know in my heart she would have never wanted that.

There are moments when I don't feel this way. They seem to be fleeting moments, rarer than I'd like them to be, but they make sense as they happen. I notice the openness of my future when I'm walking Duncan on a nice evening, or when I'm going on a hike, or when I'm writing, or working on other projects. The funny thing is, even with all the obsessing over how I want to live a fulfilling life, the moments I feel most overcome with euphoria are moments when I'm entranced in the moment, not thinking about anything else.

I think that's what Montaigne meant when he wrote that quote.

We can obsess over life and our decisions as much as we want, but we will never be able to control everything that happens. We will always have to alter the path as unforeseen problems occur. Finding a way to enjoy life as it comes is the important part.

As contemporary philosopher André 3000 of Outkast once said:

“You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can’t predict the weather. ”
— André 3000, "Ms. Jackson"

TL

 

Let's Talk: Regarding America's Obsessive Gun Culture, Toxic Masculinity, and White Supremacy in 2018

I'm not sure where to begin, so I guess it's probably best to get my biases out of the way.

I am not a gun owner. I have shot firearms only a couple of times. I am in firm support of many new gun regulations. I believe we need to have a discussion about the 2nd Amendment being repealed.

I am very liberal in my politics. I believe my political views are founded on compassion and not ideology. 

I firmly believe that gun violence in America, and that includes mass shootings, is a product of an obsessive gun culture, toxic masculinity, and systematic white supremacy infrastructure. I believe many of the issues afflicting this country are nuanced and overlap quite a bit. 

My opinions are fluid. They have changed quite a bit over the years and continue to change. They are informed by my predisposition as a scientist; I use Bayesian reasoning to inform my opinions. I think it's okay for opinions to change as new evidence is presented and that's how mine change. 

My opinions, especially regarding white supremacy and toxic masculinity, are informed by many women, LGBTQIA+, and people of color writers. I have found writers of different stripes organically and seeing how they view their experiences in America has forced me to realize that my experience here is unlike millions of others.

My opinions regarding my politics are also hugely affected by my life with CF. Life with CF means that I am chronically ill, which is a community of people that are often demonized and commodified in America. Capitalist structures are ableist and perpetuate issues against chronically ill people as well. The party in power has many leaders that believe that people with more medical issues are burdens on the system and their issues are results of their own doing. My life is more expensive because I was born with a genetic quirk that forces me to require many medications and medical devices. Trust me, if it were up to me, I wouldn't have this disease. I'd much rather not have egregiously expensive healthcare costs. But that's a conversation for another day.

I'll even offer a bit of a consolation prize to the other side: because of certain circumstances, I have considered purchasing a firearm. I have considered becoming more trained with them. I understand how they can provide a veil of security. But, based on all available evidence that I will present, I was far more likely to die by my own firearm than I was to ever be provided with security.

I'll also admit I never want to come off self-righteous. I have thought about and studied these issues quite a bit so I have come to my opinion through much reasoning. I go back and forth on if I should offer my commentary on issues like this all the time, so here we are.

And finally: I believe the lives of humans are worth more than any firearm.

Now, let's get to the topic at hand.

I posted this status on Facebook yesterday:

It was...provocative, to say the least. I figured it would be. But it ignited a conversation that needs to happen. Unfortunately, to progress on any issue in this country, some people will be offended and sometimes those conversations can become confrontational. I tried my best to remain civil, though at times terse, in response to many comments. I suggest reading it to see the points I made in reference to some of the rebuttals I received. 

Let me define what I mean when I say obsessive gun culture, toxic masculinity, and white supremacy.

America's Obsessive Gun Culture

The 2nd Amendment is considered inalienable by many people. This leads to people justifying any sort of gun-related issue and conversation being drawn away from how the guns are a part of the issue. I believe firearms are tools intended for two purposes: to maim or kill. Whether they're used in war, or to hunt, or in self-defense, they are intended to maim or kill anybody or anything that is in front of a bullet's trajectory. Any other purpose of firearms has been created to justify the pleasure people get out of the firing a gun (I've shot a gun; hitting a target is fun. I can admit that. Still. We need to change. I have never hunted. I don't want to kill animals for sport or for food. I am actually generally okay with hunting if it's done for food. We do need to find better ways of ethically sourcing meat for nourishment, so killing an animal through hunting – for food –is likely more ethical than slaughterhouses.)

(Let me go ahead and rebut a couple classic, illogical rebuttals to this. 

"Well if guns kill people, spoons make people fat, and pencils make errors." This one is so insanely disingenuous. Spoons are used to eat food. Guns are intended to kill. Yeah, the tool is used for whatever purpose the operator wants to use it for, but arguing that spoons and guns are the same types of tools is just rhetorically weak.

"If we ban guns, then people will just kill with knives, or cars, or whatever else." That may be true, but at least those devices have purposes that the vast majority of people use for their actual purpose: to drive or to cut their food up. If you only use your gun for targets, then buy a paintball gun or airsoft gun. If you're using it for self-defense or protection, then, well, we're back to the purpose of maiming or killing.

"It is our 2nd Amendment right to protect ourselves against a tyrannical government." Cool, this was written during an era where revolutions were common and weapons were far weaker. And also, governments didn't have nuclear weapons, or America didn't have a massive military-industrial complex that we would have zero chance against anyhow. This argument is weak for me, sorry. Until somebody can justify how a militia would have a shot, I just don't understand this as an inalienable right.)

There are 3.61 gun murders per 100,000 people in America. The next closest: Canada at 0.50. There are different ways to look at these statistics. You can find statistics for anything, to be honest, but this is alarming no matter how you spin it.

Scroll through Facebook. People call their guns toys all the time. That's scary as hell to me. They aren't toys. They are instruments capable of murder. They are built to make death quick and gruesome. 

My final point: the response to my Facebook post only supported my claim that people are obsessed with firearms. Most people will say they're fine with tighter gun regulations, but if you propose gun buyback programs or just banning all firearms, it is received about as well as proposing communism.

Take the time to read this article. It is data-rich and presents the evidence that guns do not provide additional safety. (The author himself did the research. He explains. Take the time to read it. I am not going to go out of my way to cite dozens of articles confirming this evidence. I have read plenty; I put that onus on the reader to find the amount of research they themselves need to change their viewpoint.)

toxic masculinity in america

Men commit suicide at a clip nearly 4 times higher than women.

Here are two articles and a video that discuss toxic masculinity and its relationship to suicide.

Toxic masculinity doesn’t just target women: The viciousness and vacuity of modern American manhood is also harmful to the self

Toxic Masculinity and the Negative Effects on Men

This one is a video of Terry Crews discussing his sexual assault. It illustrates a unique blend of how toxic masculinity teaches men to be violent, but also how systematic white supremacy has made it so that, if a black man messes up, he is less likely to be forgiven. (I'll get to that white supremacy conversation in just a bit.)

I have written about my struggles with depression and suicidal ideation several times now. I am so thankful I did not have easier access to a firearm. I never wanted to purchase one, but I do not know if I would be here right now if my dad had one. The allure and the simplicity with which a firearm can end life would have made my suicidal ideation come to fruition quicker than any other method. As somebody that prides himself on attempting to overcome toxic masculinity, I admit, I still feel very weak in admitting this. Toxic masculinity runs very, very deep.

Since I posted that status yesterday, new evidence has surfaced regarding the shooter that committed the massacre at Capital Gazette (I will not post his name here). It appears that he has harassed the Capital Gazette for years since they reported on his harassment case several years ago. (Also he obtained his pump action shotgun legally.) In 2011, the newspaper reported on his alleged harassment of a woman. This apparently incited his anger for years.

This is a by-product of toxic masculinity and male entitlement. 

“When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.”

This quote sums up why toxic masculinity and white supremacy lead white men to become violent. There are active progressive movements in this country. The two last Democratic nominees for President have been a woman and a black man. 

Take the time to read this article. It is written by a woman and more eloquently states toxic masculinity than I probably could. 

We need to teach men it is okay to talk about their feelings. It is okay to be emotional and to be there for people. It is okay to care about your significant others and your friends. It is okay to be depressed and it is okay to reach out for help. We need to stop telling boys to "act like a man," as if men don't express their feelings. We need to be better by first teaching boys to be better. It is the responsibility of men to teach other men and boys to view women as equitable, not because they are our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, but because they are equitable humans that must be viewed as such with no qualifier as to why we must view them as equitable.

The country swings on a pendulum, though. After seeming to make some progress with a black man as president for 8 years, we reverted to Donald Trump. A fear-mongering strongman that preaches bigoted policies and plainly states racist dogwhistles on his twitter. 

white supremacy in 2018 america

This is our president: Trump is still reportedly pushing his racist “birther” conspiracy theory about Obama. This article was written in November of 2017.

The "birther" conspiracy theory is not "racially-loaded." It is blatantly racist. It is founded on zero evidence. When we have a president whose political career essentially began by spewing out how Obama wasn't born in the US, and he still won't shut up about it, that is white supremacy in America in 2018.

Many of our founding fathers had slaves. Black people were counted as 3/5ths of a person at one point. Black people didn't have the right to vote for a large portion of our history. When you're not a part of your democracy, then naturally, the democratic process will not represent you. It's for these reasons that systematic (and blatant) oppression exists in America in 2018. Sure, it's not as bad as it used to be, but we have immense progress to make.

White supremacy in America in 2018 is praising Muhammad Ali but condemning Colin Kaepernick.

It is using Martin Luther King Jr.'s words to preach civility and whitewashing his legacy to ignore who he truly was and how controversial a figure he once was. 

It is the President of the United States claiming that there were "Some Very Fine People on Both Sides" when one of those sides were literal white-nationalist protesters.

It is defending Confederate statues as monuments of "history" instead of recognizing that they were staunch defenders of enslaving black people and admitting we need to move forward.

We have to be honest about our history to be progressive in our future. We can't say we "don't see race" and that the way to beat racism to is to "stop talking about it." No. We, as white people that have benefitted from white supremacy (I am trying to use my privilege to encourage some reconciliation for others. I have progress to make), must admit that we have benefitted and try to take control of how we can make this country better for everybody.

The fact that America is progressing while also taking steps back is causing white men to feel oppressed because it is making them realize that they must be exceptional to compete against those that must overcome more adversity. That is how white supremacy is correlated to mass shootings. Read this article to further understand the connection. 

All of these issues do not run counter to one another. They run parallel. They are likely correlated. They must be solved together, but firearms are probably the easiest. Solving toxic masculinity and white supremacy will take massive infrastructural overhaul, which I do believe will come. We have a ton of progress to make. I hope people can do some self-reconciliation to recognize how their own experiences do not correlate with every other Americans'.

We have no more excuses. We must treat everybody equitably. We must stop demonizing immigrants. We must reconcile with how our country's long-time issues still permeate today's legal system and political infrastructure, further allowing oppression of minority communities.

Find it in your heart to see every human being as one with as vibrant life as yourself. 

That is why I believe we can and must be better.

TL

On XXXTentacion

If you're not into rap music, a couple of days ago the name "XXXTentacion" would have probably made zero sense to you. If you are into rap music and you were familiar with the young rapper, you probably had a passionate opinion of him, but on one extreme or the other.

(Trigger warning: this post deals with domestic abuse and violence.)

Rapper XXXTentacion was murdered yesterday.  He was shrouded in controversy, including allegations of savagely beating his pregnant girlfriend, as well as beating a gay man nearly to death in jail (this article contains all of the details you need to know; be warned; it's tough to read). People on social media have been offering their opinions, some of which have celebrated his death, while others have mourned him as a prodigy that was trying to better himself, while others have condemned those celebrating or mourning him.

Here's the thing, though: redemption is a story for the living. The conversation around X can no longer be about his redemption and his fans can't pretend to assume he would have redeemed his heinous actions, when it's now impossible to know. On the other side, it's important to consider why we as a culture allow people that have been generally negative to be successful.

We live in a culture where people are told to separate the art from the artist. Abusers like Chris Brown and R. Kelly are "prodigies" or "geniuses" that create great art, so we shouldn't look at how they are as people, or how they treat the people in their lives, especially women, or at the very least, we say things like "Ughhh I know he sucks, but his music is soOoOoO good."

Abuse and decency are a spectrum. Kanye West, one of my favorite artists growing up, has been a provocateur but has never been accused or convicted of anything near what Chris Brown or X have been. But Kanye is an artist with an immense platform, so his support of Trump was personally disappointing and potentially dangerous with more widespread consequences. His comments regarding slavery have only proliferated his spiral into ignorance. He is massively successful, so his comments are not as self-inflicting as they would be for others. He has such a large brand that he's too big to fail. It's why we should hold people with such large platforms to a further accountability and the argument that they are "tortured geniuses" is unacceptable. (This isn't entirely unrelated, but for similar reasons, it's why I don't believe we should always assume the best intentions from presidents, politicians, lawmakers, billionaires, CEO's, athletes, owners, etc. They are so successful that many lives are in the balance when they make decisions, so we should hold them accountable and not assume they're looking out for us all the time. At the end of the day, the "genius" or "successful" label protects many bad people from proper repercussions.)

There are a couple problems with this discussion of artists being geniuses, as well as separating the art from the artist. First, it assumes that art is zero-sum. If X, or Chris Brown, or any number of abusers in any industry, has their platform removed, that notion claims we're missing out on something as a society. It assumes that these men (as it so happens, it's mostly men, likely because our patriarchal society tends to value men and their actions over women's, and white men's over everybody else's) are the only ones capable of creating that substantial art. It assumes that somebody more talented, but with less fortune, or less access, wouldn't hop right in and create art of equitable value. Or even worse, it assumes that somebody else isn't capable of creating better, more influential art. The potential of these men, even though they damaged their own reputations, is considered to be more valuable than the potential of those that would replace them. 

Secondly, the "genius" label is bad anyway. Many rap fans loved X's music. Many, many rap fans despised his rap, and many, many, many people reviled him for the actions that he himself committed. Who makes the decision that somebody is a genius or prodigy in their profession? America is so systemically biased towards meritocracy. The belief that because somebody is successful they are inherently good or talented or deserving of that success is so pervasive and permeates our culture to the deepest levels. There is no reason to hold these people to almost god-like status because they are successful. I understand the value of having role models, but it's time that we view people, especially artists and "successful" people, as role models for how they are as people, and their decency, as opposed to the "art" they create, which they themselves get to manicure and perfect to put out into the ether. The art that we consume is exactly what they want us to consume, but it does not reflect their entire character or who they are. That's where we should value people; not simply by their quantifiable successes.

And the final point: telling people to separate the art from the artist has deeper ramifications for the people that are adversely affected by abusers. The people defending XXXTentacion are saying that he was trying to better his life and that nobody deserves a tragic or short death. I don't support wishing death on people, but I also don't support the idea that you must forgive somebody for their transgressions simply because they died. When we do this, we tend to dismiss the voices of those that are harmed by him. If death absolves you for your sins, then that doesn't lend itself to promoting corrective action to become a better person. I also don't believe that people have to mourn him or pretend he was anything other than who he was and who he presented himself to be. When you tell people that it's inappropriate to "speak ill of the dead," you dismiss the long-term repercussions that his actions have on the living, including his victims and those harmed by his actions. It's in these moments that we should elevate those that speak openly on domestic abuse and violence; we should elevate the voices of women, of people that are less fortunate, of other artists using their platform for good.

X had explicit, vulgar, offensive lyrics; he spoke, on a podcast, about the way he brutally attacked a gay man for looking at him; on multiple occasions, he responded harshly to his critics. I don't believe people that make mistakes are beyond repair, but I also don't believe it is the responsibility of anybody other than ourselves to make the amends we need to make in order to reach redemption. It's difficult to say if he was making amends for those actions; the lawsuit was ongoing. I'm not in the place to say he did or didn't.

I understand that XXXTentacion my have had a positive influence on a lot of people. That's true for all abusers, all bad people, and all good people. I'll even admit that before I learned of the allegations against him, I liked a few of his songs. There is art that we enjoy from people that are not good people. It's difficult to cope with this, especially when we discover this about the artist after we already enjoyed the art. I don't have all the answers.

I hope, in the future, we elevate the artists that are most deserving. I hope we help those that need help, especially victims. The unfortunate reality is that we also must want to help abusers, through proper intervention, psychological therapy, and rehabilitation; first to prevent further damage to victims, and secondly, to save themselves. I hope we continue believing women that are the victims of abusers. I hope we can make this a better planet for all people, but we have to all want to achieve that goal.

TL

Happy Father's Day, Pops

Dear Pops,

Much like I wrote a letter on behalf of Lyss & I for Mother's Day, I'm writing you a letter now from us. Whenever Lyss and I would think about what we would get you for your birthdays and Father's days, it was usually assumed that she would come up with a gift idea and I would write you something to remind you how important you are in our lives, so it seems fitting to continue that tradition today.

I'm not sure where to start to say anything I haven't said over the years already, so I first want to thank you for your unending efforts to support our family and to make our lives better. You've told me many times that one of your biggest priorities as a father was to ensure the best quality of life for us. I can unequivocally say that our quality of life was as best as we could have ever hoped. So, thank you for that. That means the world.

12920433_203549513366807_6191293184374308708_n.jpg

When you're growing up, you think your parents are superheroes. As children, I think we forget that they have an internal ecosystem of thoughts, worries, passions, and everything else just like us. I've always thought you and mom had some genetic predisposition to being immovable and flawless. As a kid, I didn't have the ability to process how difficult it must've been to know your children had this incurable disease that would haunt them forever. Now, I put myself in your all's shoes. I wonder how I'd react if I had a child with this disease; to watch them struggle with treatments, to watch them go to appointments, to only have the control of how I treated them. My mind crumbles with fear and pain when I imagine how difficult that must have been for you both. I feel a bit of guilt knowing that there were times I probably made it more difficult for you guys by not understanding that (but hopefully, I made it easier in other ways by being so compliant).

In recent months, I've recognized what I believe is your greatest skill. While I have an issue with indecision by trying to making the best, most educated decision, you're known to be decisive. I think we balance each other out sometimes, but your decisiveness is impressive for another reason. You don't obsess wondering if the decision was the correct one; you take the initiative to move forward and ensure that the decision is the correct one by taking the appropriate steps. It's sort of hard to put it into words, but I genuinely believe that is why you've been successful in everything you've ever done.

Another characteristic I dearly admire about you: your humility. You are not cocky, you don't believe you are better than anybody else, and you treat everybody with respect. I believe that my deep love for others' comes from the humility you and mom embody so well. I'm so proud to introduce you guys to everybody because I love you both so much and you're both such great people.

We're so lucky to have you as a father. Lyss loved you so much. Her life was made better by your commitment to finding the best solution for her health. You were instrumental in every medical decision and getting her (and I) the care we need. I believe that because of your commitment to our health from day one extended both of lives considerably.

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And to finish, one of my favorite last memories of Lyss. Right before we went to LA, you bought slip-on shoes that are (sorry) very ugly. Lyss and I were in tears laughing at them. One thing I miss so much about her is joking around and teasing you and mom. 

As I wrote to mom, I'm not sure how we navigate life after Lyss. I don't know if we start new traditions or if we try not to acknowledge the hole in our lives. I'm so proud of how you've handled the last couple of months. I hope to always be as strong and hopeful as you are. I hope I make you proud in everything I do. I know how proud you are of Lyss. And we're both so proud of you.

Your Kids,

Lyss & I

TL

2017: A Year in Review and How I Plan on Making 2018 Better

2017 was a busy year.

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I started a blog but only wrote on it a few times.

I did a 5-day hospital trial for an experimental CF drug.

I got sinus surgery followed by 2 weeks of antibiotics.

I gave a talk at the UK CF Family Day.

I ran the Flying Pig Marathon. 

I had my anniversary of my first post-college job.

I got two more tattoos.

I achieved my highest lung function in several years. 

I became a published scientist.

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I started a podcast.

I wrote an article for the CF Foundation’s community blog.

I was on oral antibiotics for the first time in years due to a significant decrease in lung function.

I achieved an even higher lung function after the two-week stint of antibiotics.

We put down our family dog, Bo, after having him for 14 years.

Alyssa struggled with rejection on several occasions and we could do nothing but watch and try to offer support.

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I struggled deeply and privately with my mental health, specifically with intrusive thoughts that influenced my anxiety and depression.

And I finally realized why I believe I have a story to tell.

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We all suffer. To cope with my suffering, I like to create art, something I'm proud of. Whether that's through writing and the beauty of written words, or through speaking and communicating and finding the right words to describe my worldview, or through exercise and the joy of improving my fitness and directly combating the effects of CF, this is my art.

The world can feel like a hellscape or a paradise, sometimes all at once. We're all in this together and the only way I'll ever be happy with myself is if I communicate the lessons I've learned through my life and experience. Writing helps to elicit deep emotions and consolidate the lessons I've learned, all while having the possible benefit of sparking discussion and reaching others.

In 2018, I hope to read voraciously, write constantly, learn endlessly, and create continuously. I have so many ideas that I'm excited to get started on and the New Year provides a great starting point. 

In the upcoming year, I hope what I can do best is to embrace life as it comes. I'm going to allow myself to enjoy my experiences. I intend on being a better person than I've ever been by being more understanding, more loving, more open-minded.

I hope I can reach people through my writing. 

TL

 

Becoming Compassionate

Yesterday, I saw the tweet below that elicited a familiar pattern of emotions out of me. From anger and sadness to sympathy to vigilant urgency. (I'll be the first to recognize that this pattern of emotions is borne out of my passion and also online outrage culture, which can be an asset or weakness. I digress. Also, full disclosure: I reached out to Lexi on Facebook to ensure she was okay with me writing about this.)

Lexi Baskin is a University of Kentucky – my alma mater – College of Pharmacy student. She is undergoing radiation treatment for cancer. She has been using a handicapped parking spot as she undergoes radiation treatment. If her story is presented to anybody personally, absolutely nobody would object to her usage of a handicapped spot. Most people, at least by college age, understand that chemo saps your energy and presents an entirety of other complications aside from the cancer. But cancer and chemo can also be invisible, as in the case of someone believing that Lexi wasn't "obviously handicapped." I use quotations here because it's absolutely nobody's discretion who is or isn't handicapped, especially not the casual observer of a university parking lot. 

This article was written about the story. 

http://www.lex18.com/story/36762245/tweet-goes-viral-after-uk-student-shamed-for-handicapped-placard#.Wf5hlzYello.link

Unfortunately, this story is remarkably common. This happens to people that suffer from all kinds of unseen diseases, be it cystic fibrosis, cancer, or anything else. Handicapped spots aren't only for people that are physically disabled. But to be completely candid, that does not matter anyway. 

What matters here is the lack of humanity, decency, and compassionate displayed by the individual (or worse, individuals) that were audacious enough to make a public display out of shaming Lexi. Clearly, the person(s) responsible didn't have the courage to speak directly with Lexi to understand her plight. They explicitly – and cowardly – stated that they felt she was abusing the handicapped spot, meaning they saw her getting out of her car. If they felt the welling of any sort of emotions – I’d imagine enough anger to pursue this ridiculous action – they should have had the courage to present themselves directly to understand. They owe Lexi an apology.

I want to applaud Lexi for a moment. Her tweet wasn't rude or callous; her tweet was intended to educate and spread a positive message. And it did exactly that. She mentioned had she was overwhelmed by the positive response to her tweet. She didn't condemn or feel hatred for that person. I can recognize how it feels when someone doesn't understand your predicament and they make a comment that can be taken to heart. In those moments, I'm pretty good at remaining calm and educating people about the importance of words, especially when they’re talking with someone going through a chronic or acute disease. I can't say, however, that I would have had such a PG response like Lexi did. So, for that, good for Lexi. It took remarkable composure to do that and it clearly reverberated through twitter (48k RTs & 108k likes currently!).

There is a common moral argument about whether or not humans are programmed to be "good" or "bad." (I use quotations here because there are moral arguments about the definitions of "good" and "bad" which then leads to the moral argument of if either truly exist. In morality, nothing is concrete which, in my opinion, probably makes it difficult to prove there is an ultimate truth here.)

It is hard to argue against the fact that compassion breeds happiness. There have been brain-imaging studies (cited by the aforementioned PsychologyToday article) that show "humans often sacrifice material benefits to endorse or to oppose societal causes based on moral beliefs." In these brain-imaging studies, the pleasure centers of the brain are equally active when we witness someone charitably giving to a cause we agree with as when we receive money ourselves. 

As a scientist, I strongly believe in using studies to best determine what works to reach our goals, and no human doesn't desire happiness. I believe achieving happiness is both an art and a science. Based on the study cited above, I don't think there is any argument against compassion being a vital part of being happier. 

But compassion requires work. While it may be true that being compassionate generally makes us happier, it requires an effort to put in that work. Humans are driven by reward mechanisms, so when the "reward" for an action is increased blood flow to the pleasure centers, it's hard to foresee how good that will feel – which is why humans tend to pursue activities that make us feel good because we constantly forget how good we feel when we do them. When the reward is something concrete – money, winning the competition or game, or just a reward that we know exactly what it is – the motivation comes easier because we actually know what the reward is. Being compassionate is both a skill and a habit. When compassion is something you're not actively pursuing, it's easy to not recognize how much it can do to lift up your life. 

Compassion is something we must want to do. Doing something good for another person is not the same thing as being compassionate. Sometimes, societal norms are so strong that we do them for that reason. An example, an elderly man struggling with his groceries. The societal norm would be to help him. But the ulterior motivation of the helper determines whether the helper is being compassionate or just living by societal norms. If the motivation is "ugh well I know helping him is the right thing to do, so I guess I will" then that's living by societal norms. If the motivation is dictated by  "I think he needs help and I can be helpful to him so I'm going to help,” compassion is the guiding factor. The trick here is that most times, becoming compassionate means starting to be better about doing the things that you know are the right things to do but oftentimes choose not to do it. Once it becomes more habitual to do the right thing, the reward for being compassionate not only becomes addictive, but it becomes a habit loop that we recognize as being worth it. It's in this reasoning that I recognize becoming compassionate as a skill and a habit that requires work.

At the end of the day, there's one thing that's for sure: compassion is not a limiting reagent. It is, quite literally, a gift that keeps on giving. It has snowballing effects, for both the person giving it and the person receiving it. Compassion is something we will never be perfect at and that's the beauty of it. It will get easier and easier being compassionate and it will make you feel better and it will leave others feeling better, too. 

I know I need to get better about a lot of things myself. I constantly tell myself I'm going to send that "I'm proud of you" text, I tell myself I want to volunteer more, I want to be more active in charities, I want to be less judgemental and less self-righteous. But I also find writing to be a platform, so I'm writing this message in hopes that it can inspire others to actively pursue compassion more in their day-to-day lives with me as I try to become better. Truthfully, there's no downfall.

So, I implore you to do something compassionate today. Tomorrow, doing two compassionate things will be a bit easier. Don't be like the person that put the notes on Lexi's car; be more like Lexi.

TL

 

 

Why I Refuse to "Avoid Politics"

The Internet has been a ubiquitous part of American life for some time now. For people that are just beginning college, the idea of life before social media and internet and Google doesn't exist. A couple of years ago, mine and my peer's lifetimes were delineated by Before Social Media and After Social Media, but today's college students probably don't remember a distinct time before then. Myspace was huge in middle school, but smartphones and other bourgeoning social media sites (Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram), and in particular iPhones, weren't overly common until late high school and until recent years. 

Every generation has an invention or trend by which it will be defined for decades. I believe firmly that social media will be that invention/trend for millennials. The internet itself has been massively important and undoubtedly the more important forebear of the Social Media Era, but social media itself will be markedly (and disproportionately, considering it occupies such a minuscule part of the internet) more influential than the entirety of the internet.

In today's society, it is considered abnormal and potentially alarming if someone is not present on social media, let alone heavily active. Twitter is where memes are born, news spreads like wildfire, and people even go to vent more directly and personally than in other spheres. Facebook is where people keep others updated on their lives, where people go to vent and trash businesses' reputation and gossip. Instagram is where people manicure their image so intentionally to send the message that their lives are a collection of attractive moments. Snapchat is where we go to let people know what we're doing, mainly with the intention to let people know we're doing something.

For me, personally, social media is a facade of myself. Sure, it's a good summation of myself, but I'm also very active on social media and make it a priority to post things that I feel are good representations of myself. But I get caught up in the FOMO and the likes and retweets and the affirmation that social media provides. I don't want to neglect that there are absolutely good things about social media. For teenagers and twentysomethings, social reaffirmation has always been a part of life, and social media just transferred where that affirmation comes from, which may be a good or bad thing. Social media also allows people to connect with others with whom they can personally relate and discuss important topics. Which leads me to my point.

As someone in the middle of the Millennial generation, I am told to be careful of my social media image. I am told to watch what I say, so as to not be interpreted as inflammatory or controversial. I am told to "stay away from politics." 

As someone with CF, I don't have the luxury of avoiding "politics." And quite frankly, no American truly has that luxury. "Avoiding politics" has become a phrase by which people intend to communicate one of two messages. At best: don't discuss issues with people you may disagree, because these issues are too closely held to our hearts, so it might incite an argument. At worst: stop exercising your First Amendment right because someone may take it the wrong way. But that's exactly why I believe it's important to intentionally discuss these issues. 

"Politics" is just a word that summates all current happenings of our government...which all directly affect all of us all the time. "Avoiding politics" means not being informed on the heroin epidemic, it means not caring about health care that we all inevitably need, it means not concerning yourself – especially if you're a white, heterosexual, cis, middle-class male – with the fact that some fellow Americans are still oppressed and face prejudice on a daily basis. It means not concerning yourself with science, or disaster relief, or any of that. It means not paying attention to sports (which, by the way, have always, always, always been political; that is not a new phenomenon).

I am a scientist, so I care about improving our education system, solving climate change, and ensuring people are properly vaccinated. I am a person that suffers from a chronic, genetic disease that is unfathomably expensive, so I am passionate about doing whatever means necessary to ensure that every American has cheap and excellent health care. I am a white male, which means I am aware of my white privilege and that I must use my position to educate myself on systemic oppression, police brutality, and many other issues that befall LGBTQ+ and minority communities, and with that new knowledge, speak out in support (I wholly support the NFL players kneeling in protest of police brutality) of those oppressed communities.

I care about problems because I am compassionate. I believe firmly in a government that uses compassionate, evidence-based, constituent-supported policies to solve the issues at hand.

I refuse to "avoid politics" because choosing to do that means choosing to go against my moral compass.

I refuse to "avoid politics" because I refuse to avoid what's happening in the world. Social media is my platform. Writing is my medium. I intend to use it for such.

TL

The Perpetual Hobby of Learning

In today's world, the term "scientist" is loaded. Even the definition for a scientist has come under fire and become a sort of misleading term. To some, a scientist must be an expert, but even that isn't easily defined. Typically, an expert is someone with a professional degree, i.e. MD, JD, PhD, etc. I suppose that is what I consider an expert, but somebody mustn't be an expert to also be a scientist, while an expert must be a scientist, no matter what field of their expertise.

To me, and I believe most in the scientific community would agree with this, a scientist is less a profession or title, but rather more of a way to govern the way we assess a topic. Science is fundamentally unbiased; the results are where things get a bit muddier. The results of a scientific study have no biases when considered alone in a vacuum; the way a scientist looks at them can unquestionably skew how they're interpreted, however.

Science, and by nature being a scientist, entails being a perpetual learner. It requires one to be a cynic and a skeptic, but still an optimist. It's incredibly frustrating and still rewarding. Nearly every problem encountered becomes a new potential for a solution. Evidence is the underlying guide. Researching the topic to understand how other fields influence it is a necessity. 

I regard science so highly because science is what allows me to feel some semblance of control over the nearly-impossible-to-control weight on my life: CF. 

(A bit of a side note: my worldview is obviously predicated on my experiences of CF. CF permeates every aspect of my life, so in new circumstances, the neural habit loop in my brain tries to relate those new experiences to the ones I'm so familiar with: the CF ones. My experiences with CF have influenced on views on political, ethical, moral, and scientific issues. How could it not? I am a part of a small community that has hugely benefited from scientific-based evidence and phenomenal fundraising.)

One of the most natural reflexes of the human condition is trying to assume control when there's ultimately no control to assume. When we feel like we're not in control, we feel powerless. The feeling of powerlessness is paralyzing, so naturally, we want to hijack control back. Growing up, once I learned of the magnitude of CF – that it was terminal – I shut down. I cried. I was furious. Pissed off at God and the world. It felt unfair and I boiled with rage. When I listen to music from that time of my life – Eminem, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit – I feel that rage well up inside me yet again. 

Eventually, I found some relief. I'm not sure what it was. Maybe I just stopped thinking about it, but I certainly never "came to grips" with it. I still haven't fully accepted that my life could be cut short because of CF. But I've thought about it, and I'd assume I've thought about it more than most people my age and probably more than most people of all ages that don't have a chronic or terminal condition. 

It was at this point in my life that a young scientist started burgeoning. I was interested in science from a young age, but I don't recall being that into science. My first distinctly scientific memory was an elementary science fair. I owe Big Frank a lot credit for this one, but the project was to study how the enzymes that I take to help digest food in my stomach digested certain food in closed conditions over a set number of days. 

I don't want to speculate on how I became the way I did. A lot of credit is owed to both my parents nurturing different characteristics of mine, as well as genetic predispositions for certain traits. I didn't realize it as it was happening, but I used the scientific process in my battle against CF once I learned that CF would eventually lead my lungs to utter failure. I learned everything I could and began to understand why I needed to do my treatments. I became the aggressor in my care; I spoke with my doctors to always learn what new treatments or strategies I could do to slow the progression. I exercised and played sports with friends, not only because it was fun, but because it was concurrently slowing the bronchiectasis in my lungs. 

Developing a scientific thought process is beneficial to everybody. I learned from a young age that using evidence-based strategies to influence our decision making – exercise and compliance show huge results in CF – is a better way to health and happiness. As you learn more – understanding why an eclipse happens, how other governments work, or even just learning how people from different cultures do things – you become more emotionally complex, more intelligent, and just a deeper and more interesting person.

Right now, science is chic. Remember, science isn't just learning boring physics (I love physics! not boring to me but to some others it is); it's understanding the natural world around us. 

There is an emotion that I don't know the word for but I believe most people know exactly what I'm talking about. The emotion that one feels when standing on the side of a cliff, when looking at the ocean, or when one is deeply entranced in the natural world. No matter what's happening in our lives, when we immerse ourselves in the natural world, there's an overwhelming feeling of comfort. That's why I believe in the power of science and learning.

It's eased the burdens of CF and other existentially painful experiences in my life. I implore you to learn something new today.